So our journey to start our new family began with a number of doctors appointments for myself. It was one of the most emotionally draining things I have ever done! I made my first appointment and went for a regular check up and we talked about having a baby at 35 then. We decided to start a round of Clomid. Clomid is a medication that helps increase estrogen levels and produce more fertile eggs. So I took the medication for a week and then we had try and conceive for a week. Then the waiting game began to see if my cycle would start or not. Well here's the problem, my cycle was already unpredictable, so who knows right. Well as you all can guess no luck that month , so on to next month. We did this crazy roller coaster of emotions/ excitement for 4MONTHS!!!!! Each time ending in the same result, a big fat NOTHING!!! We were devastated to say the least. At this point things came to a stop. I just couldn't take the roller coaster of emotions anymore. I was so angry with myself and even with God at this point. I began to doubt my ability to be a mother  and that maybe this was God's way of telling me I am not good enough to care for another human. I felt like I was letting everyone in my life down, my husband, who wanted so desperately to have a family, my parents, who wanted the joy of grand children, even our friends. I began asking why? I can remember when I was younger and asking my childhood oncologist if I was going to ever get married and have children, he said yes! So why was God punishing me now and not allowing me to have a child of my own? Why do drug addicted females get to reproduce over and over? Why do women how can't care for a child get to have as many as they want? Why are young teen girls allowed to have children when they are children still themselves? IT IS NOT FAIR!!!!! These were the things going through my mind all the time. It seemed like every where we went their was someone with a new baby, pregnant and ready to deliver or announcing that they were going to have a baby. REALLY??? When would it be my turn or would it ever be my turn for that kind of happiness , joy, and excitement. It seemed like I couldn't get away from it. It was seeping into ever area of my life especially at my job. At least 3 different people at that time became pregnant! Then just when I was angry enough I began to feel like a heel. It wasn't these other people's fault I was having problems getting pregnant, was was I so mad at them? That's when I realized I wasn't mad at them I was jealous of them. I wanted that feeling of excitement and wanted to hear all the congratulations they were getting. I was really happy for everyone deep down inside of me but I was hurting at the same time. It is a horrible feeling knowing in your heart that you would make a great parent and not being able to have that chance. I feel like people sometimes forget what a blessing children are and that they truly are a gift from God. I can promise you 1 thing, that is something I will never forget! Those that can have children will never understand what it's like to want something so badly and not be able to have it. I ask all that read or follow my blog to please say a prayer each night for those couples that are having fertility issues and that God will provide them with the strength to continue on their journey for their own family.